Swift and brutal the torments invade my failing mind, varying in content and intensity, but filling all the seconds pertaining to the day and sometimes until the bitter watches of the night.
Questions, guilt, justifications, more questions, more guilt and more justifications.. then weariness, despair, the abyssal feeling of a never ceasing void opening up beneath my awkward steps, still somehow trying to find sense and direction in this existence. The same tired existence that started over four decades ago, and that has never lead anywhere but right back to the start, the insecure, ever-doubting, unconfident child I once was.
How to shield yet another cardboard fortress from collapse ? How to know what is soul from what is skin-deep ? How to renege my utmostly profound feelings and fierce cravings for a life I can see, in my mind’s eye, but never seem to let myself have access to ? How to revoke on yet another promise ? How to renounce on believing those fears that keep me from any more hurt ? But now it’s late already, time has yet again betrayed my watchful conscience and fled from me. It’s best I put this dilemma to rest for now and come back to it at a more opportune time, right ? Before I even reach this conclusion, another dilemma enters my entangled mind and sweeps the ground from under the previous one’s feet ! Alas that these thoughts might be mine, yet again, compounding the sense of drowning, choking, barely keeping my head above the turmoiled waters. These new tortured considerations claim the spotlight and soon I have to grudgingly and anxiously abandon what was clutching at my guilt strings, just minutes before, to keep up with the mental assailants.
Hopelessness soon fills up the dark corners of my lamenting brain and only one light now shines in the midst of the obliterating darkness. You’re there, you know me, you understand, you care, you never judge, you house my previously most unadmittable fears, flaws, needs and life exigences. You seem like a guardian watching over me and feeling the same about the world, about values and intolerances, about everything that has ever meant anything to me. The first to ever not only understand but share the same views and justify all of my choices and actions as though they were your own! The feeling of undescribable comfort this brings is unmatched. Your regular words healing my ever re-opening wounds, making me stronger. There you are, when all other lights go out, as an obvious reality.
I have known life to shift, change, completely deviate from its initial course, time and time again. I know that this can happen again. And for the first time, it fails miserably to frighten me. On the contrary, if and when change will manifest itself, welcome shall it be, like a beloved child come home at last. This child and my inner child can only meet to meld in harmony, as it should always have been. This is the only hope that I now cling to, as the torments ruthlessly continue to defile my peace and as I wrecklessly continue to battle with them to my own demise.
Where the road will lead, I do not know. I am not afraid. I am finally knowing that the universe may not be hostile to me, after all.